Loose Sand of a Castle Built

It wasn't the best day I had today. Went through a series of rough patches, seemingly relentless. It sure wasn't easy, enough to cause me to break down in tears. I don't really have the right words to express, but here's a lil song that will. Hopefully I'll have a new song playing tomorrow.

The Goldfish Song - Kina Grannis

I feel defeated again

I'm always loosing to myself

I tried to build myself

Shack to castle

and it fell down

I had the right intentions

Sometimes my hope envelops me

And I can't learn the lesson

Not to send a goldfish out to the sea

This matter is mine 

Don't worry I'm fine

This matter is mine

This matter is mine

Don't worry I'm fine

This matter is mine

I know what you've been thinking

It's too soon to empty my cocoon

This butterfly's not ready but

Wouldn't she know better than you

This matter is mine

Don't worry I'm fine

This matter is mine

This matter is mine

I'm not gonna give it up

I'm not gonna give it up

I'm not gonna give it up

I'm not gonna give it up

This matter is mine

Don't worry I'm fine

This matter is mine

This matter is mine

Don't worry I'm fine

This matter is mine

A Little Resonation within This Mind

Sometimes words unsaid are best expressed through songs. This is one of those. A little rest for my fingers and mind, a little song to let you in to my thoughts.

                                                         "Heart And Mind"

I write you letters from right to left
See if you have desire yet
To decipher what I said
And learn secrets from my head

And it was hard for me to say
Those three words that are so brave
Almost kept them locked away
Deep inside where they'd be safe

[Chorus:]
Always trying to find
A safer place to hide
Always felt I was protecting my heart and mind
Heart and mind
But it seems like to really feel like
I cannot hide
My heart and mind

And I don't know why I get shy
Tucked away inside my mind
Scared to let someone inside
I sit silent in disguise

[Chorus]

Day I found a strength inside
Just by finally realizing
Is it truth that is inside
That I really cannot hide

My heart and mind
I always felt I was protecting my heart and mind
Heart and mind
But it seems like to really feel like
I cannot hide
My heart and mind
I cannot hide
My heart and mind

Disheartening

In this disheartening phase, where can I lean my head against?
A slight look over my shoulder and I see these insistent gazes toward me.
These questions that resonate, eternalized in my convulsion of thoughts, I'm unsure of what is true.
I musn't stand wavered, relinquished to these pertuberance.
Of what can I hold on to but these lil bits of myself.
A slight gesture of comfort to deceive a lil smile.
An uncertain loss for what might have been there.
I wish I had the answer, but uncertain of what the question holds and the circumstance I so vaguely comprehend, I can only long for what I will.

What once was..

There's nothing I fear more than the fragility of my little frame.

A little value in those eyes, a little worth in those hands, a little ponder in that heart.

Now a tattered entity, left aside.

A seeping contrast against the barren land, losing the very essence of what it once held.
What once was, now a story left untold, a little words left unsaid, a heart left unhealed...

I had my head down under, trying to grasp what was real. In this eternal abyss, what have I to see but utter confusion.  A little hope for what could be there. Now that it is different, I guess I understand. Auxiliarated convalescence, perhaps. I blame  these chimera of thoughts.
Now I have to get it straight. Mind clear and unwavered. 

Fabricated Reality?

Like a tattered leaf broken off its shaft, I’m tossed about by the wind as it wafts yawningly in what appears to be an aimless path. In this breeze depth of what we call life, I helplessly drift in its way. What have I but a diminished hope for the best, for refuting and struggling would only prove my worth and efforts futile. I should know better, all these wounds and hurts come no far from the stories of past lacerations.

There’s nothing more I fear than the fragility of my little frame. These wounds I claim in the fiber of my veins are hidden in desperation with smiles delivered ever so surreptitiously that it shows in the depth of my eyes. Hidden I think, but exposed like a flame in the wind I am.  Calloused from all these pain, I try, with these undeserving hands to construct a shelter from all these ravage. A little shelter, lacking its entirety, still I call it home. Perhaps, I can deceive myself for a little smile I hope to see in me.

Tossed around, this wind has failed me like a deceiving draft. With a little tumble and helpless fall, my frail and lacerated weight gravitates me to the cold and desolate land where all is gray and lacking. Of what security had I held on to before? Part of a rooted entity, towering and bolstering in sight, I’d never knew. I always thought I had something real. It has to be. Fabrication of my mind can only go so far, but this is beyond illusions of bliss. I could almost feel it within the grasps of my fingers. Those sleepless nights and tears that well from a heart of eternal reticence, I know it to be true. Could it ever be false? A little play of the heart, a little deception from my mind to offer and feed what I longed for?  

I’ve always feared letting anyone in. Exposed and vulnerable, like a fowl in the plains, I can only hope to be safe. Safe from what I fear most. Oh how it resonates from within me, an eternal torment of battle between hope and all that is lost. Maybe, I’d never know.

Here I am, a wandered mind, a tattered leaf in the midst of internal desolation where dust and debris surrounds in a torment of suspended animation. Can anything be real?

As I silently part my eyes, all I see is a little glimmer, a glistening of reflected light. Reality? Perhaps. Fabrication? Likely. A little glisten from a tear weld up in these eyes. A hope for what is lost, a gain for nothing here. How can one hold on to something only vaguely understood, only to miss what was never there.

In Attempt

It's been about two years since my last post here. Much overdue?

I hope this isn't a frail attempt to revive my blog. 

Oh well, here I am, reattempting to articulate my thoughts in words (left unsaid).